A Wee Scottish Tale

[ashbash]

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's ****e an pish!'

The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way !!

[GER147]

Hee hee!

[gem]

Here is another one;

A Glasgow guy walks into the local benefits office to pick up his cheque.
He goes straight up to the counter and says,
'You know, I hate living off the dole, week after week. I'd really like to
get a job.'
The social worker behind the counter looks him up and down and then says,
'Actually, your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very rich old guy from Newton Mearns who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his daughter.
You have to drive her around in his Bentley Continental.
Because of the long hours, all your meals will be paid for. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
Don’t worry. I saw her this morning when she came in here with him. She’s a cracker.
And, there’s a rent-free, two-bedroom, furnished flat with plasma TV,
music system, fully-stocked bar, that will be yours for as long as you
keep the job.

The salary is £200,000 a year.

This last wee bit is kind of difficult to say but, as part of your job
assignment, you’ll also have to satisfy the daughter’s sexual urges;
she’s in her mid-20's and has a very strong sex drive.

The guy is completely gob-smacked and says,
You're takin’ the pish pal!'…………

The social worker says, 'Aye, .......................................

But You started it.'...................

[gem]

Scottish Logic;



A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, " I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; Forty-five years of misery is enough '.

" Dad, what are you talking about? " the son screams.

" We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, " the father says. " We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her. "

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

" Like hell they're getting divorced, " she shouts, " I'll take care of this, "

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, " You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? " and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. " Okay, " he says, " they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way. "

[Frying Scotsman]

The Pope arrives in Glasgow to do a bit of Gods work.He goes to a rally where he asks the assembled audience "Is there anyone here who needs help with any problems they may have?" Wee Brendan steps forward and says "Aye,I could do with some help with my hearing" The Pope invites Brendan onto the stage,puts his hand on his head and encourages the crowd to join in a prayer with him.They say the prayer and afterwards the pope asks "Did that help your hearing Brendan?" to which he replies "Na,its no till next wednesday!!!!!!"