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    A joke a day keeps the doctor away (or so they say)



    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...
    Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."
    The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own.... OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.

    1. What do you put in a toaster?

    Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

    2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

    Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to question 3.

    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

    4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

    Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

    5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

    Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

    6. Without using a calculator-You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!

  • #2
    Are "A"(Adult) kinda jokes allowed in here? PG 16+?
    Who needs 'The Rocket' , When RaNeN is here!

    Comment


    • #3
      If it's zero degrees outside today, and it is
      supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it
      going to be?



      Why is it called building when it is already built?


      If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the
      opposite of congress?


      Is it possible to be totally partial?


      If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a
      success?


      If all the world is a stage where is the audience
      sitting?


      If people from Poland are called Poles, why
      aren't people from Holland called Holes?


      When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?


      If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific
      mean to make terrible?


      Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?


      If lawyers are debarred and clergymen defrocked,
      doesn't it follow that electricians can be
      elighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
      models deposed, dry cleaners depressed?


      Why is it if someone tells you there are 1
      billion stars in the universe, you will believe
      them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint
      you will have to touch it to be sure?


      Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

      If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil
      come from?
      Who needs 'The Rocket' , When RaNeN is here!

      Comment


      • #4
        What do you call a tennis player that talks to cakes??


        Martina Natters-to-a-pavlova


        www.mixcloud.com/jfd

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally Posted by RaNeN
          Are "A"(Adult) kinda jokes allowed in here? PG 16+?
          I sure hope so, that way nobody will mind if I post this:

          TOP 20 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX


          * You can GET chocolate.

          1. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
          2. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
          3. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
          4. You can safely have chocolate while driving.
          5. You can have chocolate on your desk/workbench during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
          6. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
          7. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
          8. You can make chocolate last as long as you want to.
          9. Good chocolate is easy to find.
          10. Chocolate can stay hard for a week and satisfies even when it has gone soft.
          11. It's easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
          12. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
          13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
          14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
          15. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
          16. You don't have to wait until half-time to talk to your chocolate.
          17. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
          18. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
          19. You won't find out later that your chocolate is married / on penicillin.
          20. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

          Comment


          • #6
            The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

            As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

            In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

            The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

            There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

            In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

            Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

            Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

            By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

            During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

            Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

            Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

            Comment


            • #7
              A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife after
              sex?"
              He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"

              Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in
              the U.S.?
              Because people started licking the wrong side


              TEACHER: Why are you late?

              L-JOHNNY: Because of the sign.

              TEACHER: What sign?

              L-JOHNNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


              TEACHER: Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile"?

              L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

              TEACHER: No, that's wrong

              L-JOHNNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell
              it!


              TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

              GEORGE: Here it is!

              TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johnny, who discovered America?

              L-JOHNNY: George!

              TEACHER: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

              L-JOHNNY: I is...

              TEACHER: No, Johnny. Always say, "I am."

              L-JOHNNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the

              alphabet."

              Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his

              father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now
              do you know why

              his father didn't punish him?"

              L-Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his
              hand."


              Teacher: Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
              prayers

              before eating?

              L-Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
              cook.

              Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on
              talking when

              people are no longer interested?

              L-Johnny : A teacher
              Who needs 'The Rocket' , When RaNeN is here!

              Comment


              • #8
                This one is my favourite!




                An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up
                to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
                red, orange, blue, and yellow.

                The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man
                was staring.

                The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old
                timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

                Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had
                sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
                Who needs 'The Rocket' , When RaNeN is here!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Translations:

                  "IT'S A GUY THING"
                  Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

                  "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
                  Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

                  "UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
                  Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

                  "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
                  Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

                  "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
                  Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

                  "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
                  Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

                  "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
                  Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
                  I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

                  "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
                  Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

                  "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
                  Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

                  "I CAN'T FIND IT."
                  Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

                  "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
                  Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

                  "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
                  Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

                  "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
                  Translated:* "I make the mess; she cleans it up."


                  Reasons computers must be male:

                  *They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

                  *A better model is always just around the corner.

                  *They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

                  *It is always necessary to have a backup.

                  *They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

                  *The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

                  *The lights are on but nobody's home.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I only have one thing to add to this:

                    To all women: If the seat is up, LOWER IT!
                    "I'll be back next year." --Jimmy White

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

                      To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Want a day off work?

                        So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
                        There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
                        Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
                        You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
                        With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
                        You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
                        We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
                        We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Why did the chicken cross the road?



                          To protest against nuclear cruise missiles.
                          www.mixcloud.com/jfd

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Why Do Men Die First?

                            This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now we know.

                            If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
                            If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

                            If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
                            If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

                            If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
                            If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

                            If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
                            If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

                            If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
                            If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

                            If you cry............you're a wimp.
                            If you don't........you're insensitive.

                            If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
                            If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated Woman.

                            If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
                            If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

                            If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
                            If you don't..............you're QUEER

                            If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape.............. you're sexist.
                            If you don't.................you're unromantic.

                            If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
                            If you don't................you're a slob.

                            If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
                            If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

                            If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
                            If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

                            If she has a headache............she's tired.
                            If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

                            If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
                            If you don't................there must be someone else.

                            Men die first because they want to!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              They have Mother's Day for mothers and Father's Day for fathers - so what do they have for single men?

                              Palm Sunday.

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