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Coping with the death of close family

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  • Coping with the death of close family

    My dad has alpha-1-antitrypsin disorder and is nearly on his last legs in this world. I hate watching him struggle for breath, all I wanted to know is how you've coped with things like this and for me to not feel so disheartened about life because of it?
    He's 64 now, it was his birthday yesterday and he has lived a perfectly healthy lifestyle, he was a tennis coach. It's so upsetting seeing him needing steroids and antibiotics every time he has a cold. Far too young to go when it's not his fault. Some people with his disorder need 100% oxygen when they are in their 30's, so I guess he has done well to make it to his age, but I don't like what I'm seeing myself.
    Last edited by VillaGuy; 24th December 2016, 08:30 PM.

  • #2
    I've been to the breathing wards in hospitals, you know for people with emphysemia, it's a grim ward I can tell yo that watching people die from lack of breath. Don't know how I'll cope with my dad in that sort of situation.

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    • #3
      Lo
      Originally posted by VillaGuy View Post
      My dad has alpha-1-antitrypsin disorder and is nearly on his last legs in this world. I hate watching him struggle for breath, all I wanted to know is how you've coped with things like this and for me to not feel so disheartened about life because of it?
      I experience death regularly (goes with the job) Sometimes it's not the opposition. When it occurs, I'm reminded and comfertabed of the person I have evolved into, the beliefs and values I hold. Have in many ways been influenced by lost friends and family. In a small way, they have and will continue to shape and influence my character and morality, until it's my turn.
      Highest break to date? 1

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      • #4
        Originally posted by djax View Post
        Lo

        I experience death regularly (goes with the job) Sometimes it's not the opposition. When it occurs, I'm reminded and comfertabed of the person I have evolved into, the beliefs and values I hold. Have in many ways been influenced by lost friends and family. In a small way, they have and will continue to shape and influence my character and morality, until it's my turn.
        It's what I find comfort in, I will go their way one day and maybe join them. Still I find the process of watching parents deteriorate very upsetting. Nothing worse in the world.

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        • #5
          Coping with the death of close family

          You cope for him.
          I have lost both parents in the recent years to C.
          Great that your dad got to see his birthday with his family around him.
          Support him and your family, and they will support you.
          Remember the good times and the fun times.
          My dad was given weeks (Easter), I said to him no you don't dad you will be here in September when his next grand child was due. He was there and we have some great photos of him and the new boy along with our 3 children. They knew but never dealt with death before but I was so proud of how they were. As we were going he said to me alone that they are the best and he was proud of all his family. He was never one for emotional display, that was amazing to me.
          My mum and I were there at the end (Valentine's Day so he nearly had a year) and yes it is not nice seeing the breathing getting shallower and less often. But knew he was out of the constant pain and going to a better place
          All the best to you and your family at this time. Be strong together and be there together.
          It is difficult but you will survive and allow yourselves to grieve at each own pace.
          A year after my dad died it hit me that I had been grieving all the time without really knowing.
          Up the TSF!

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          • #6
            Originally posted by DeanH View Post
            You cope for him.
            I have lost both parents in the recent years to C.
            Great that your dad got to see his birthday with his family around him.
            Support him and your family, and they will support you.
            Remember the good times and the fun times.
            My dad was given weeks (Easter), I said to him no you don't dad you will be here in September when his next grand child was due. He was there and we have some great photos of him and the new boy along with our 3 children. They knew but never dealt with death before but I was so proud of how they were. As we were going he said to me alone that they are the best and he was proud of all his family. He was never one for emotional display, that was amazing to me.
            My mum and I were there at the end (Valentine's Day so he nearly had a year) and yes it is not nice seeing the breathing getting shallower and less often. But knew he was out of the constant pain and going to a better place
            All the best to you and your family at this time. Be strong together and be there together.
            It is difficult but you will survive and allow yourselves to grieve at each own pace.
            A year after my dad died it hit me that I had been grieving all the time without really knowing.
            That brought many tears to my face and a smile too, bitter sweet. Most of my family have suffered from cancer. The biggest hardluck story went to my mothers father. He was a lecturer at Liverpool university before being called into the war as an officer in Burma, then he was imprisoned by the Japanese in the war camps. Surviving that he came back to the UK, had children (my mother), then developed a brain tumour, lost his eyesight and he never even saw my mother. He was walking with a white stick before that. Cancer is a thing I hope technology gets rid of.

            I know for a fact I'll be grieving for the rest of my life after my dad dies, I haven't hit the hieghts he may have expected of me. He bought me a house without a mortgage, took me to the Hana highway in Hawaii as my first holiday, I don't deserve him as a dad. I'm always in debt to him and I've never done him justice.
            Last edited by VillaGuy; 24th December 2016, 09:32 PM.

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            • #7
              Coping with the death of close family

              Obviously since my parents I have been seeing the reports of successes in the science and treatment of this disease and have hopes for the near future.
              Both my sisters have, in the distant past, have fought and conquered differing Cs.
              I am, what I call, an optimistic realist
              Last edited by DeanH; 24th December 2016, 09:34 PM.
              Up the TSF!

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              • #8
                Coping with the death of close family

                You may note that I have not described what happened to my mum as that would take me ages to type on this phone
                It was after dad and we as a family worked through the situation as a family and came out the other side stronger.
                You will come through it V as well as the rest of your family. Day at a time.
                Up the TSF!

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by DeanH View Post
                  You may note that I have not described what happened to my mum as that would take me ages to type on this phone
                  It was after dad and we as a family worked through the situation as a family and came out the other side stronger.
                  You will come through it V as well as the rest of your family. Day at a time.
                  Great you've come through it mate. I guess it takes a certain sort of person to do so and you're the one. I reckon I'd be ruined watching my dad deteriorate more than what he is at the minute. He's had to buy the stairlift system to get up and down the stairs now. To show what a great dad hge is he, for my first holiday said lets go the full hog and paid for a holiday in LA, Maui, Ohau, San Fran, with a stop off in Washington and New York, didn't have any consideration for expenditure. I've never responded, even though I can he isn't fit enough to do it.

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                  • #10
                    Coping with the death of close family

                    Yes it is painful to see the mountain-man that is your dad to become a shell of his former self but remember he is still in there as he was before, communicate to him as you always have.
                    I find it is the small stuff - however great the big stuff is - a little touch here or there when no one else notices, the real hugs, the little looks and winks and mutual secret smiles of a private joke/understanding; that really mean big time.
                    Last edited by DeanH; 24th December 2016, 09:49 PM.
                    Up the TSF!

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                    • #11
                      Yeah a hug and kiss on the cheeks with your old man is worth more than money can ever mean. When you give your dad a hug there is that electricity where you both know it means it is worth more than anything else. It's really special.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by VillaGuy View Post
                        I guess it takes a certain sort of person to do so and you're the one.
                        everyone can survive, you will
                        May take time, everyone has their own way of getting through it and their own time to as well.
                        Up the TSF!

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by VillaGuy View Post
                          Yeah a hug and kiss on the cheeks with your old man is worth more than money can ever mean. When you give your dad a hug there is that electricity where you both know it means it is worth more than anything else. It's really special.
                          That is what I inferred earlier, my dad was "old school" not much for hugs etc even to the end he was brought up by very "Victorian" parents. At the end that is where I learnt the little things count for millions.
                          Up the TSF!

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by DeanH View Post
                            everyone can survive, you will
                            May take time, everyone has their own way of getting through it and their own time to as well.
                            I know I can survive, but I'll give the biggest cry in the world when he's gone

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by VillaGuy View Post
                              Originally posted by DeanH View Post
                              everyone can survive, you will
                              May take time, everyone has their own way of getting through it and their own time to as well.
                              I know I can survive, but I'll give the biggest cry in the world when he's gone
                              Oh yes, I went outside to the orchard, had a ciggie and cried in the trees.
                              Up the TSF!

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