Jokes

[Cessy143]

Three Drunk Men

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

[Cessy143]

Three Stupid Wives

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''

[austrian_girl]

This thread has picked up tremendously since Cessy is posting on here.

[Cessy143]

Sure beats working AG

[Cessy143]

The Local Strip Club

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

[Cessy143]

Alligators and Women

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into the alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator, takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth. He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head. The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same thing, I will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''

[Cessy143]

Paying the Price of Marriage

William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

[Cessy143]

Merle Goes Out Drinking Every Night...

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[Ginger Freak]

Paddy went to his local one night for a few drinks with his mates. By about midnight he had downed nearly 20 pints, was sluring his speech, and had double vision.

As the bell went for closing time, he turned round to leave, and fel flat on his face. "Sh#te, that hurt", he exclaimed. He tried to stand up again but found he couldn't, so he decided to crawl to the door.

Upon opening the door, he fell down a flight of steps, and landed flat on his face, "Sh#te, that hurt", he shouted. Another failed attempt to stand meant he had to crawl all the way down the road to his house.

Not wanting to wake his wife or let her know of his drunken antics, he decided to sleep on the sofa downstairs, so he crawled into the sofa and fell asleep.

The next morning, his wife woke him up.

"I see you got absoloutley wasted last night Paddy".

"How did you know?, I was quiet as a mouse last night, I have not broken anything, nor have I thrown up anywhere"


"Dave from the pub rang up about an hour ago, you left your wheelchair there last night"

[chasmmi]

A policeman is doing his rounds when he sees a Rover metro parked by the side of the road. In his curiosity he goes to investigate and to his surprise sees a young couple sitting in the car.

Wht surprised the policeman was their activities. The boy was just in the driver's seat reading a book whilst the young girl was knitting a jumper. Smelling something amiss the the policeman knocks on the window and the boy winds it down to speak to him, looking at his watch as he does so.

"What seems to be the problem officer." asked the boy.

"What are you to doing here." he asked suspiciously.

"I'm just reading a book and she's knitting a jumper for her mother." he replied casually.

"How old are you?" asked the policeman.

"seventeen sir." replied the boy.

"and what about her?" he asked

the boy looked at his watch and said: "she'll be sixteen in about ten minutes."

[Nina]

This thread has picked up tremendously since Cessy is posting on here.

That's my cue to leave

[austrian_girl]

That's my cue to leave

Oh Nina, don't leave. I said that tongue-in-cheek. Actually, the thread slumped.... below the belt. But to some people (including me ) that's an increase. Hope that makes sense .

Oh well, I better shut up!

[April madness]

I just am not sure if it is any good to post adult jokes on an open forum where can be some young members that maybe shouldn't read this yet. But then, nobody has complained, so I guess it's ok. And I shouldn't talk about that either

[Cessy143]

I just am not sure if it is any good to post adult jokes on an open forum where can be some young members that maybe shouldn't read this yet. But then, nobody has complained, so I guess it's ok. And I shouldn't talk about that either

Never thought about that Maddy, you have a point

[April madness]

Cessy, maybe there aren't so many young members? you had many good jokes posted, keep posting them I am sure it will be ok, most of us are enjoying reading them